So I have been thinking alot about what this blog is for me.. and right now, I feel like it is just a way to "show off" my kids, and while that is great and i am sure the grandmas love it, I feel like i wanted it to be something more than just look at the couple days we have had this last month that were phenomenal.. I have a pretty fantastic life, but everyday is not perfect, not even close. Being a mom is so much harder than I ever imagined it to be! And I really just wanted to write down something more about our family than just the "perfect" days..
For example.. We are still pretty new to our ward up here, and I think Abbey is sort of having a hard time being friends with some girls who have obviously grown up together, I am doing her hair for church and as I finish she is just crying telling me that I can't do her hair like that or her friends will laugh at her! I can handle the crying, and the tantrums, and cleaning up kid messes all day long, but we are just entering into this stage where she is overly aware of what people think of her. And as hard for me as it is some kids wont think she is as perfect and fun as i do.. that's life, and for me its been hard to navigate! I don't ever want her to be afraid of how great she is. I know that is something I have always been scared of, letting people get too close, and that is my greatest fear that I could ever imagine for this beautiful little woman!
I always remember my mom saying that we turned out so good because she just loved us, and nothing else really mattered. I keep telling myself that, and I know that things are going to be different, we won't always be worried about how to do Abbeys hair, or whether or not the girls like her, there will always be "something", but as long as she knows Lane and I love her and her Heavenly Father loves her more than anything in the whole wide world she will be fine, and everything else will fall into place!
She has gotten this crazy separation anxiety, we left the county fair the other night, and she cried all the way home, in the tub, and didn't stop till she was asleep, because she thought that the lemurs that were at the fair needed her help going to bed. I think that turning 4 has changed her life, she has all the sudden no control over her emotions, and i think it is so interesting to watch her try and work through those wild 4 year old emotions. Lane feels like he is on a roller coaster, and where he is a work a majority of the week, he finds these crazy outbursts unbearable:) I do have to say, he is the best dad to girls, he can be so calm and get Abbey especially to just be happy again!!
Lets just talk for a minute about Lucy.. her nickname since she has been able to walk really has been Lucifer (like the cat off of Cinderella) She is in charge. I remember Lane's family talking about how loud he used to talk, and I think I know what it was like, she couldn't whisper if she tried. For example.. while camping we thought she would be so happy to lay in a sleeping bag, and just go to bed (especially cause it was 11:30 and she hadn't had a nap, and she is usually a GREAT sleeper) we were oh so wrong, and she just kept yelling "AWESOME" and rolling over, and poking me in the eyes, and I don't remember how it happened, but she eventually fell asleep on top of me, and I learned that she is DEFINITELY not ready for a "big girl bed." She is the total opposite of Abbey, and as she is getting bigger, my mom brain is just getting tired.. she is the boss, and I am supposed to be the boss.. and it is exhausting. Today in church she wanted to watch Dora, I have some Dora books, but that was unacceptable for Lucy, and she SCRAME for Dora as i quickly walked out of the chapel, I heard a few laughs... and lets be honest, if that would have been someone else, i would have giggled, and been thankful i didn't have to deal with that.. and as i sat in Relief Society all by myself with nothing but my thoughts, I could hear her sweet laugh and loud gruff voice in the nursery room, and couldn't wait to go play with her!
She is also the sweetest thing you have ever met, and that is probably why I am so tired, she can terrorize the house and everyone in it in one minute and the next she is kissing you telling you how fun the zoo was and what the monkeys said and did! She loves babies more than anything, and I am so excited some day for her to be a big sister.
She is going to be the strongest little woman ever created, I see huge things for her. She will take the world over one step at a time. She is never going to take no for an answer, and that comes straight from her Dad, to which i am SO GRATEFUL! I don't know if i will ever be fully ready for the ride I am on with her! I feel so lucky to have her.. she is teaching me more than i ever imagined a 2 year old could teach!
I am so thankful for my kids, life with them is hard, stressful, emotional, and tiring, but it is so fulfilling to see Abbey taking her sisters hand at the park and helping her up the stairs all while telling her not to be scared and that she will take care of her and keep her safe. That is all that matters the relationships that I am creating within my family, and the strong bond that I know will last forever. I want my kids to know how special they are. Through the tears, scratches, and laughter, I feel the strongest love radiating from my heart, and I understand what my mom meant.. I honestly just LOVE these kids!
The summer in Rock Springs has sort of been hard for me, I have really missed our old neighborhood. It probably had alot to do with the fact that we put our house up for sale, and it sold within a month. It was really hard to let go of that house, I am not sure why, but while i was getting it all cleaned up and loading the last of our stuff from the shed, it was so sad. That was something that held us to Monroe, and with that gone, we have become unattached to anything.. it is a weird feeling. I think i am beginning to understand where Abbey gets the separation anxiety from:)
The hardest thing for me to do is put myself out there, and live more in the now and stop wondering where and when we will be going next, I think that until I do that all I am really going to be looking for the next thing, essentially running away. I am tired of that feeling.
We have such a great opportunity here to find some great friends, and for Lane to catapult his Home Depot career, when he looks back at how he got to where he ends up, he will say everything changed for his job up here! He is doing such great things, and really changing what people think can come from a 25 year old kid! Anyone who really knows Lane knows what comes out of him though:)
I have always thought Lane and I were a great couple, we are just the right amount of difference and likeness, but since being up here, it is more true than ever. Thats not to say that some days, i don't want to beat him when he has been at work for 23 hours, and sleeps his entire day off. But when it is all said and done, my life is so great because I have the best family, the love that we have for each other is something that I can't describe.
